The Friday Funnies – Baptizing an Irishman Edition

Friday Funnies jpg

• Baptizing an Irishman
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
Baptizing an Irishman

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk shouts,”Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies,

“No, I haven’t found Jesus!” The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?” The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

“Are you sure this is where he fell in?

and that brings us to
• How To Get To Heaven From Ireland
(A repeat, but well worth it, with a hat tip to “Dr. Mc”)

A “True Story” from an Irish Sunday School Teacher:

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class,
to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale,
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was ‘NO!’

‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get
me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered ‘NO!’

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’

A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’

• Freaks of Fast Food – Doucheburger Edition

Freaks of Fast Food
… while we are on the subject of food …
• I get a sinking feeling when I eat a salad made with this:
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

Titanic Lettuce

• Senior Sex
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

Yes, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’ Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence!’

• Blonde Joke du Jour blonde jokes-sm

If Rachael Dolezal can be black, why can’t she be blonde
The inquiring mind of «Louis la Vache» wants to know!

this_is_a_facepalm_moment_for_sure_Gs2ij_11

• Lawyer Joke du Jour Shark-Attorney

The Lawyer Joke du Jour is brought to us by the Law Offices of Low, Ball & Lynch

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ……

* You met him in prison.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”

* He tells you that he’s never told a lie.

* He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”

* A prison guard is shaving your head.

And Now, It’s Time For

Wally World!

walmart-logo

This Week’s Walmartian – We Are Ready For Winter Clothes Edition

Walmartian

The Walmart Car Show

Walmart Car Show

•    •    •    •

• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
(Series via “B-Squared”)
ATT00018

• You Had ONE Job to Do – Did You Mean Thirst? Edition
(Series via “Dr. Mc”)

3st - One Job

• Separated at Birth – Old Hitlery and Marie Barf Harf
(For those of you who missed this at “Jerry Mander“)


Old HitleryMarie Barf

… Bill Clinton would approve:
• The Polite Way
(A “Little Johnny” joke provided by “Unkle Jerry” – no relation to “Jerry Mander.”)

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?’

Michael said: ‘Excuse me, I need to pee.’

The teacher responded:

‘No! That would be quite impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

Johnny said: ‘I would say “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’

The teacher fainted.

… in a somewhat similar vein …
• When You’re Feeling Down
when_youre_feeling_down

• Katzndawgz – Islamist Cat Edition
(Hat tip: Steven Hayward)

Katzndawgz

…  next …
• Dawgznkatz, Day Ruined Edition
Day Ruined

… now seems to be an appropriate time for …

Hope Dead End

• Boeing 737-G
(Hat tip: “Dr. Mc”)

Boeing just released its latest product! It’s for all those pilots forced to retire at age 60 …
Known as the B-737G*, it has many options: canards (Euro model), O2 tank, intercom (aka hearing aide), anti-skid brakes, etc, etc.

Once a Pilot, Always a pilot!

Screen Shot 2015-07-05 at 5.19.29 PM

Order NOW to ensure delivery before Christmas!

* 737-G: Geezer

•    •    •    •

Fitness and Health News

Healthy Living Jogging trail Stationary Bikes

and that brings us to

Rest Your Mind

• One of «Louis’» Friends
(Submitted by “B-Squared”)
Friends of «Louis» and that, Ladies and Gentlemen, concludes this week’s edition of The Friday Funnies. That-s-All-Folks

One Comment

Add yours →

  1. Thanks for the smiles. I like the guy in line to buy antifreeze (he gonna need it), The girl who identifies as a Blonde and as usual I like little Johnny’s answer.
    THANKS again

    Like

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