When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’
I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an @$$hole!’ and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘@$$hole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an @$$hole!’
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic @$$hole calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’
He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an @$$hole!’ and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ‘ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first @$$hole (I had his number on speed dial by now), I thought that I’d better call the BMW driver an @$$hole, too.
I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said, ‘Yes, it is..’
I asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax .
It’s a yellow ranch style house, and the car’s parked right out in front.’
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’
He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’
I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’
He said, ‘Yes?’
I said, ‘Don, you’re an @$$hole !’
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two @$$holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called @$$hole #1.
He said, ‘Hello.’
I said, ‘You’re an @$$hole!’
(But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, ‘Are you still there?’
I said, ‘Yeah.’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me!’
I said, ‘Make me.’
He asked, ‘Who are you?’
I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’
He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘@$$hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style house, I have a black Beamer with a For Sale sign on it parked in front.’
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, @$$hole,’ and hung up.
Then I called @$$holeNo. 2.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, ‘Hello, @$$hole.’
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’
I said, ‘You’ll what?’
He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your @$$,’
I answered, ‘Well, @$$hole, here’s your chance.
I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two @$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
Now I feel MUCH better! Anger Management REALLY does work!
• • • •
… with that, it’s time for …
This week’s Walmartians were curated by the inimitable “B-Squared.”
We begin with this example of Walmart’s LOW prices:
… and now, we get to see who shops Walmart!
… and that brings us to …
… and that connects us to:
• Retirement Is Different For Everyone
(Hat tip: “A. Nonymous”)
One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.
On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.
On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her, “Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn? “Yes,” she said, “aren’t they darlings? They’re retired prostitutes – they’re having a yard sale..”
… next up:
… which is a natural segue to …
• The Cuckoo Clock
(Hat tip to The Friday Funnies Staff Neurologist, “Dr. Mc”)
“The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed…. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?
I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew! I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock!’
When I asked him why, he said,
‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit’
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Budweiser. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.” “Hasn’t affected my brothers though….”
… and THAT leads us to …
• The Fly In The Toilet
(Hat tip: “Chris-to-Fear”)
When my friend went to the men’s room in the Schiphol Airport located in Amsterdam, he saw a fly in the urinal and did his best to ‘wash’ it down the drain …
He figured the fly had super glue foot pads!
Now he knows why it was there, and stayed there.
Who says you can’t potty train a man?
It takes so little to entertain them.
There’s not a man alive who wouldn’t aim for that fly…!!!
A blonde ran over an innerspring mattress on the highway, and decided not to worry – and kept on driving. It caught on the undercarriage of her Holden car.
The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough to tear a hole in the fuel tank.
The subsequent lack of fuel is what finally brought her vehicle to its knees.
She had managed to drive 50 kms, with a 25kg tangle of “stuff” wrapped around her drive shaft.
She had it towed to her Holden dealership, and complained that the vehicle had a ‘sort of a noise’ when she was driving at high speeds.
Below are the photos of what they found at her Holden Dealership………………..
The last photo is by far the best.
“Sort of a noise” — I’ll bet it did!
They still can’t believe their eyes! And, they are still wondering how to remove it!
An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?”
“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
… OK, that’s enough damage to what’s left of Western Civilization this week, so …