We are surrounded by bad news. Just as we begin to despair, “Pappy” down in Texas rides to our rescue with this good news!
TEXAS DECLARES WAR ON THE US!
B. Hussein Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
“Hello?, Mr. Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said.
“This is Archie, down here at Joe’s Crab Shack, Houston Texas, I am callin’ to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!”
“Well Archie,” B. Hussein replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!”
B. Hussein paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have to call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Archie?” B. Hussein asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s John Deere tractor.”
B. Hussein sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day… “Mister Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harold’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!”
B. Hussein was silent for a minute then cleared his throat “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Oh Lord,” said Archie, “l’ll have to call you back.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “Mister Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said B. Hussein. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over a few beers, and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
• • • •
“B.Squared,” Official Curator for Jerry Mander
… for a change of pace …
… and now, in closing …