Hugh Jass’s Random Thoughts Edition
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably mad .
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
6. I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
• • • •
Food News You Can Use:
Celebrity Master Chef Show
(Via “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
Sat in my car at the traffic lights this morning listening to the radio and I heard and excerpt of narration from Celebrity Master Chef: “And 44 year old Paul is boning a partridge!”
Freaks of Fast Food – Run For It! Edition
… which brings us to …
• To Do List:
… speaking of “should have stayed in bed – you can’t make this stuff up dept.:
… in a remotely related vein:
… speaking of irony:
… and that, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to …
The Walmart Car Show!
(Note the Obama bumper sticker …)
… next up – what you’ve been waiting for since last Friday!
This Week’s Walmartian!
• • • •
• • • •
• A Texan Walks Into An Irish Pub …
(Hat tip: “B-Squared” and dedicated to “Dr. Mc”)
A Texan walks into an Irish pub and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
… and now, one more for “Dr. Mc:”
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
• Don’t forget that …
• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
(Hat tip to “B-Squared” for the continuing series)
… which brings us to …
• You Had ONE Job To Do
(Hat tip: “Dr. Mc” for the continuing series.)
• Charm School
(A story from Australia via the U.K. thanks to “Ol’ Petrol Head!”)
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.”
Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??”
The Mount Isa lady responded, “Well as an example… instead of saying, “Who gives a f**k?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
• Blonde Joke du Jour
Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
• Blonde Joke du Jour – BONUS!
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, “Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?”
The blonde said it was hers.
“Your dog seems to be in heat” the officer said.
The blonde replied, “No way. She’s cool in the shade of that tree.”
The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.”
“No way,” said the blonde. “My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this morning.”
The exasperated policeman said, “NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to mate!”
The blonde looked at the cop and said, “Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.”
• Separated At Birth – Nancy P. Lousy, Again!