Hugh Jass’s Things to Ponder
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think WE taste like?
What do people in China call their good dinner plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”
Do they have lectures in Mime School?
Why do we park on driveways, but drive on parkways?
Why is it when we send something over land it’s a SHIPment, but when we send it over sea it’s CARgo?
Why does Bottled Water have an expiry date?
Why do women wear evening gowns to go out at night?
Shouldn’t they be wearing nightgowns?
Why is a man who invests all your money called a Broker?
Why do Overlook and Oversee mean opposite things?
Why are there locks on stores that are open 24/7/365?
Why do Doctors call what they do a “practice”??
Shouldn’t they be good at it by now?
Why is it called a HAMburger if it’s made from beef?
If you’re in France and order toast, do you get toast, or french toast??
If the #2 pencil is the most popular… Why is it still #2?
And finally, ponder this……
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• John Cleese, British Actor & Writer, On the State of the World
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
A final thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.”
• • • •
The Continuing Series Series:
Why Women Live Longer Than Men
You Had ONE Job To Do
(Hat tip to “Dr. Mc” for the series)
(Hat tip to “Joe P” for this new series)
• The Gay Cowboy
(Hat tip: “Penny AB”)
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.”
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra..” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
… and that connects us to …
• Clean Floors and Homicide
(Hat tip: “RH”)
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
“It looks like we have a homicide here.”
“A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped.”
“Have you placed her under arrest?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
… and THAT brings us to …
• Having an affair
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight.
While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouts, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and
HE even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says “What would you do?”
The cabby replies, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches cold.
• • • •
Now it’s time for …
This Week’s Walmartian!
The Walmart Car Show:
• • • •
• Blonde Joke du Jour
• Lawyer Joke du Jour
• Freaks of Fast Food
• Separated at Birth – Old Hitlery ® DNC and Sgt. Schultz:
• Snark of the Day