The Friday Funnies – Diller-isms Edition

Friday Funnies jpg

We begin this week with “Diller-isms”, supplied by “Joe P” & “Dr. Mc.”

diller

DILLER-ISMS
There will never be another Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties . . .
is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing . . . was the day I accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they look just like me.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle: Keep Away From Children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’
He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down . . . is so you can’t see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

•     •     •     •

• I have this skill:
(“B-Squared” found out about my talent for this …)
1962786_10152293236063716_3997871938726776320_n

• Hat tip to Steven Hayward for this one:

At steak

… and that brings us to this with another tip of the hat to Steven Hayward:

Hot Dogs

… which brings us to this, found for us by “B-Squared” …

Lost-Puppy

• What 38 years of eating Wheaties will do for you:

Jenner/Wheaties

… this seems like a good time for our …
• Blonde Joke du Jour
blonde jokes-sm

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, “Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are.”

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

“Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg”

next up
• Lawyer Joke du Jour

Shark-Attorney

The Lawyer Joke du Jour is sponsored this week by

Gitcher Budowd Attys

Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.

• That will teach you a lesson!
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
Terms and;Conditions

• Little known historical fact
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to …

… wire a head for a reservation.

we can also thank (or blame) “B-Squared” for this one
• Crow kills
Crow kills
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

•    •    •    •

The Continuing Series Series

• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
(Hat tip to “B-Squared” for the Series)
Why women live longer
• You Had ONE Job To Do
(Hat tip to “Dr. Mc” for the Series)
ONE job
• Italian Translations
(Hat tip to “Joe P” for the Series)
Italian conversations 4 • How to Pose With A Statue
(Hat tip to “B-Squared” for the Series)
How to pose w/statue

… which ties in with …
• Pictures taken at just the right angle
Look carefully! 🙂 Hat tip: “Joe P”
Pictures taken at just the right angle
• You’ve been spelling his name wrong!
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
Vladimir Pudding

• Separated at Birth

Separated at Birth

•    •    •    •

This Week’s Walmartian!

walmart-logo

Down we go …

Walmartian

… which brings us to …

• Gotta Be Crazifornia, Never Take Candy From A Stranger Edition
(Hat tip: “RH”)
Crazifornia

m&m

This is the one your mother warned you about!

Crazifornia

… and with THAT, we’ll say …
happy-friday

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: