The Friday Funnies – Medical News Edition

Friday Funnies jpg

We begin with:
• Poorly Chosen Business Names
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
stubbs

Hat tip to “Ships Log” for this one:
• After my Prostate Exam …
… the Doctor left.

Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:

‘Who Was That?’

• Heart Attack
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, ”I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

… more medical news …
• Men Never Listen
(Another hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

“Sir”, she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn’t resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable enjoyment. The ladies’ restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its caress, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he anticipated would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew, he opened his eyes…. he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

“What happened?” he exclaimed. “The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

MEN NEVER LISTEN

… and that brings us to …
• Married 50 Years
(Hat tip: “RH”)
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

• Separated at Birth (politically, if not in looks …) : Bernie Sanders and Mao

Mao:LMAO

• Blonde Joke du Jour

blonde jokes-sm

You know you are a blonde if you think “Anus” is the Latin word for “yearly.”

• Lawyer Joke du Jour

Shark-Attorney

Classroom of the near future

• Snark du Jour

Snark2

• Separated at Birth

•    •    •    •

The Continuing Series Series

• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
(Hat tip: “B-Squared” for the series)

Why Women Live Longer Than Men

… which brings us to a related series we’ve used in the past, but is worth a repeat …
• Men Who Lack Female Supervision
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

Men Lacking Female Supervision
• Italian Translations
(Hat tip: “Joe P” for the series

Italian Translations

• How to Pose With Statues
(Hat tip: “B-Squared” for the series)

How to pose with statues

<strong• Thank you, Steve Jobs for these devices
(Hat tip: “Penny AB” for the series
Thank you, Steve Jobs

*     *     *    *

This Week’s Walmartian

walmart-logo

Featuring the Walmart 500 electric cart race!

Walmart 500

The Walmart Car Show

Walmart Car Show

*     *     *     *

• Choose your language:

Simplified English

• Meanwhile, In Ireland – New Irish Army Tank
Meanwhile, in Ireland

• Pope Benedict Takes a Drive
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

Pope Benedict

Pope Benedict

When Benedict was still the Pope, After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I’d really like to drive today.’

“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell?’ asks the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘ A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The President?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

That wraps it up for this Friday, so …
That-s-All-Folks

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