The Friday Funnies – IKEA Edition!

Friday Funnies jpg

IKEA logo

Hat tip to “Ol’ Petrol Head” for inspiring this.

anywhere except IKEA

IKEA extra parts

IKEA hotel

ikea-instructions

ikea-assembly-service3

Some Assembly required

IKEA toilet paper

ikea-car

ikea volvo

ikea-alum-key

IKEA_-_Sickroom

ikea-floor plan

Ikea-job-interview

IKEA-Narnia

•     •     •     •

• Simple Truths and 5 Rules of Life
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”.
But, none of them comes up to the man – touches his penis and say, “Good job”.
Moral of the story — Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1.Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
2. Forgive your enemy – but remember the @$$hole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble – they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s much more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

… and that brings us to …
• Five guys sitting in the locker room at the club …
(Hat tip: “Dr. Mc”)

The phone next to one guy rings. He puts it on speaker and says “Hello.”

Womans voice says “Hi, honey. Are you at the club?”

“Sure am.”

“Well, Im at the mall and I found this lovely leather coat marked down to $1000.00. Can I get it?”

“Sure, if you like it that much.”

“And on the way over, I stopped at the Porsche dealer and they have a blue one in the model I have been dreaming about. It’s just under $110K.”

“For that price, I want all the options. Go for it.”

“Thank you so much honey, I love you!”

“Me too, baby.” and hangs up.

All the guys are speechless until he asks them if they know who the phone belongs to.

•     •     •     •

“Dr. Mc” reminds us that cold and flu season is here!

Irish Flu Shots

(Hat tip to “B-Squared” for the Irish Flue Shots.)

and that brings us to

An Irish take on a colonoscopy
(CLICK HERE)

Next up, “Ol’ Petrol Head” tells us about …
•    Three bodies in a mortuary

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector’, says the Coroner.

‘Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky… Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’

The Inspector asked, ‘What about the third body?’

‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘This is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.’

‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector

‘He thought he was having his picture taken.’

•     •     •     •

More News You Can Use:

The image below is dedicated to Steven Hayward (scroll down).

Bacon!

I’m curious as to just what it is they sell at the (ahem) Kwik-E-Mart:

KWIK-E-MART

Healthy living:

Gym 5 years

John:Jim

•     •     •     •

The Continuing Series Series

• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
(Hat tip: “B-Squared” for the series)

Why women live longer… which brings us to a related series we’ve used in the past, but is worth a repeat …

• Men Who Lack Female Supervision
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

Men lacking female supervision
• Italian Translations
(Hat tip: “Joe P” for the series

Italian translations

• How to Pose With Statues
(Hat tip: “B-Squared” for the series)

How to pose with statues• Thank you, Steve Jobs for these devices

(Hat tip: “Penny AB” for the series)

Thank you, Steve Jobs

•    •    •    •

This Week’s Walmartian

walmart-logo

Walmartian

The Walmart Car Show

Walmart Car:Obama

*     *     *     *

• Blonde Joke du Jour

blonde jokes-sm

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

• Lawyer Joke du Jour

Shark-Attorney

Brought to us by the Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe

“Q: What is a Contingent Fee?

A: A Contingent Fee means, if the lawyer doesn’t win your suit, he gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.”

• Snark du Jour

Snark du Jour

• Separated at Birth: Former Øbama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs & “The Family Guy”

Separated at Birth

That wraps it up for this Friday, so until next week,

That-s-All-Folks

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