The Friday Funnies – Christmas Cheer Edition

Friday Funnies jpg

• The Office Christmas Party
(Hat tip: “RH”)

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2015
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 20102
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name…

I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

… in a related vein …
• Apology Letter From A Spouse
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

Hi Babe,

I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights.

It’s just that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something.

I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-hearted bastard.

All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy Christmas. Nothing brightens Christmas like Christmas lights!

I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the pub.

Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I’ll be home later.

Love you….

The lights he hung:

Christmas Lights

Her response:

Hi Sweetheart,

Thank you for that heartfelt apology. I don’t often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it.

I too felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologise. I realise that I can sometimes be a little pushy.

I will try to respect your feelings from now on.

Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot.

In the spirit of giving, I washed your ute for you , and now I am off shopping. See you later.

I love you too …..

The ute she washed:

I washed the Ute

-00OO00-

• Christmas Tree Transportation & Delivery:
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

Chistmas tree1

Christmas tree

-00OO00-

How to childproof your Christmas Tree

-00OO00-

Santa Knows:

Santa knows

Santa knows

Santa knows

… next up …
• What you hope Santa DOESN’T know:

Santa knows

• Meanwhile, in Texas:

Meanwhile, in Texas

A tip of the that to “B-Squared’ for the next two items …
• Three men died on Christmas Eve ….

…..and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’ Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’ The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carol’s’

• What would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men? ….

They would have:
• Asked directions
• Arrived on time
• Helped deliver the baby
• Cleaned the stable
• Brought practical gifts
• and made a casserole …

-00OO00-

This Week’s Walmartian – Christmas Edition!

Walmart-always

Walmartian - XMas Edition

The Walmart Car Show – Christmas Edition

Walmart Car Show - Xmas Edition

-00OO00-

• Uh oh!

Frosty

Santa and the burglar

• Separated at Birth – Christmas Edition:
Bonehead Boehner & the Grinch

Separated at birth - Xmas Edition

•  Santa Gets His Pre-Flight Instructions

Santa's pre-flight instructions

… which brings us to …
• SPLAT!

Santa - SPLAT!

Splat!

• All I want for Christmas:Nose job

• Dawgznkatz

Santa Pitt Bull

• Katzndawgz

Katzndawgz-Xmas

…  speaking of ho’s  …

Beware of HoHoHo

• Lawyer Joke du Jour

Lawyer/Santa/HoHoHo

• Tiger Woods & Santa

Tiger Wood's xmas

… which brings us to …
• One of Santa’s (ahem) Helpers

One of Santa's ho's

• Blonde Joke du Jour

blonde jokes-smBlonde-Xmas

• Lawyer Joke du Jour (Bonus!)

Shark-Attorney

Lawyer Joke du Jour

• Groaner du Jour

Claus and effect

• Redneck Santa

Redneck Santa

•  Men In Need of Female Supervision

Christmas lights, santa whizzing

and now, a related closing item:
(Hat tip: Unkle Jerry)

Santa whizzes on Obama

… now …

“Jerry Mander” and «Louis la Vache» wish each of you the best this Christmas and New Year!

Jerry ManderLouis la Vache - sitting

4 Comments

Add yours →

  1. Funny, especially the tree delivery cars and the office party.
    MERRY CHRISTMAS from Florida!!

    Like

  2. Hope you are having a wonderful Christmas.

    Merry Merry
    cheers, gayle and thehamish

    Like

    • Thank you, Gayle (and you, too, Hamish! WOOF!)

      Also, thank you for the beautiful Christmas card. That is such a marvelous rendering of the prickly pear! I really like your use of positive and negative space in it. Truly delightful!

      Paul Cruce

      >

      Like

  3. Donald Taccone 25/12/2015 — 04:24

    Merry Christmas Louis!!

    Like

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