More Wedded Bliss
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife…
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
A married man’s prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away
You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife … It’s been years now, just reminding You.
Employee : Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said:
“The food looks delicious, let’s eat.”
“Wife : honey … you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband : “That’s at home sweetheart … here the chef knows how to cook.
Best Slogan on a MAN’s T-Shirt :
“Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed”
Hat tip to “A. Nonymous” for the next one:
Successful Marriage Counseling
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married.
On and on and on she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband replies…”Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays…but I play golf on Fridays…”
• Blonde Joke du Jour
• Lawyer Joke du Jour
Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office
The Australian Tax Office decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to their office.
The tax auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that
you win money gambling. I’m not sure we find that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste basket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the lawyer. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
• Snark du Jour
• High Tech vs. Old Tech
• It was probably a Monday:
• David Letterman, the Early Years:
• Separated at Birth, Double-header
• Spanish Word of the Day
After Walmart Proposal, Man Stole Sex Toys
Cops: Suspect, 25, said vibrator, edible thong were for his fiancee
Minutes after proposing to his girlfriend over the loudspeaker at Walmart, a Michigan man allegedly shoplifted a vibrator, an edible thong, and other sex toys from a nearby Spencer’s gift store, according to police.
In advance of popping the question last Wednesday night, William Cornelius, 25, purchased a $29.62 engagement ring at the Walmart in Bay City, police report. Then, after securing the permission of a store employee, Cornelius proposed to girlfriend Sheri Moore, 20, over the store’s public address system.
As seen on store surveillance footage, Moore said yes, prompting applause from fellow shoppers. Cornelius–who had dropped to one knee–and Moore, police report, can be seen hugging and kissing following the proposal.
But the couple’s engagement quickly became rocky.
According to investigators, Cornelius and Moore went from Walmart to a Spencer’s store at the Bay City Mall. There, Cornelius allegedly swiped items with a combined value of $80.93. Included in the haul was a “Bride-To-Be” thong, a $14.99 vibrator, “BJ Blast” oral sex candy, and a $5.99 edible thong, Undersheriff Troy Cunningham told TSG.
Deputies responding to a theft call subsequently collared Cornelius (pictured at left) and Moore inside the mall. As first reported by the Bay City Times, Cornelius was asleep at a food court table, having apparently nodded off while attempting to tie his shoes.
A search of Cornelius turned up the Spencer’s merchandise. Cornelius reportedly admitted to stealing the items, saying that he pilfered the goods for his fiancée, adding that he had just proposed to Moore at Walmart.
Moore was found in possession of earrings and a necklace that had been taken from Walmart. While she denied shoplifting, Walmart surveillance video captured Moore placing merchandise in her purse. Moore subsequently told cops that Cornelius had stolen the jewelry.
Deputies arrested Cornelius for retail fraud, while Moore was nabbed for larceny. Both are free on bond on the misdemeanor charges.
Cornelius could face additional charges since he is currently serving a three-year probation term in connection with a 2014 felony conviction for ethnic intimidation. Cornelius and a male relative were convicted of attacking three black men who walked past their Bay City residence.
Moore, court records show, was arrested last September for stealing a cell phone from a Bay City man. She was released on $2500 bond in the misdemeanor larceny case, which remains open.
The Continuing Series Series
• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
• Men In Need of Female Supervision
• Italian Translations
What it usually means: A dessert spread made from chocolate and hazelnuts.
What it means to Italian-Americans: A breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert spread found in economy-sized containers in your home.