Helga’s Cruise Ship Diary
(Hat tips to “A. Nonymous” and “Joe P.”)
DEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter, The Late Bloomers, decided on this “all-girls” trip. It will be my first one – and I can’t wait!
DEAR DIARY – DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship… I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
• Dinner With Friends
(Another hat tip to “A. Nonymous”)
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two men were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘Really, what is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘Damn! I can’t remember. What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
… while we are on the subject of food …
• Texas Cooking:
… more culinary news …
• Freaks of Fast Food – Fresh Buns Edition
• Men Helping In The Kitchen
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
… and that brings us to …
… moving now from food to weather …
• Greatest Comebacks
(Tips of the hat to “Chris-to-Fear” and “Dr. Mc”)
• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
• Redneck Technology
(Hat tip: “Cousin Mary” who was the first of several who have sent this to me!)
… which makes this an appropriate time for …
This Week’s Walmartian!
The Walmart Car Show
• Separated at Birth, Bernie Sanders Edition
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
• Lawyer Joke du Jour
(Hat tip: “Dr. Mc”)
An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?”
“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
• Blonde Joke du Jour
MONDAY: The recipe for today is angel food cake. You have to beat 12 eggs separately, so I’m lucky the neighbors had some extra bowls to let me borrow.
TUESDAY: Fruit salad supper, serve without dressing. I didn’t get dressed at all, as per recipe, and what a surprise when my boyfriend brought his friends home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: Rice pilaf, wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. I took a good bath and washed very thoroughly, even between my toes. The taste of the rice was same as last time for some reason, so washing doesn’t seem to help.
THURSDAY: New salad recipe for a change. Prepare ingredients by laying a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. I was rolling around in the garden laying on the lettuce heads for one hour and then I got sunburned.
FRIDAY: Being Friday, it’s great to try some treats, so today it’s time to make cookies. The recipe calls for placing the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. I beat it to the grocery store to pick up some more milk, came back, but nothing happened to the ingredients I placed in the bowl. I ended up throwing the whole thing out, what a waste.
SATURDAY: My boyfriend’s parents came to our house and stayed for dinner. I wanted to serve roast but we only had hamburgers in the freezer. I put the hamburgers in the oven, and set the dial to roast. Unfortunately, the taste was still almost exactly like hamburger, just a bit roasted.
This has been a great time cooking and I’m having a lot of fun. I can’t wait until we buy a new and much bigger oven, because I want to surprise my boyfriend with chocolate mousse.
• Snark du Jour
… with that, for this Friday, we’ll say