Hat tip: “Joe P”
A U.S. Customs officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and told the rancher who owned it “I’m here to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out a distant location.
The Customs officer verbally exploded, saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. on ANY land!! No questions asked
or answers given!! Have I made myself clear…… do you understand???”
The rancher nodded and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the Customs officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s enormous Santa Gertrud’s bull …… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..
“Your badge……..show him your BADGE!!”
… speaking of bulls …
… speaking of dawgz …
… which connects us to …
… which brings us to …
• The Dawg As An Accountant
• Blonde Joke du Jour
• Lawyer Joke du Jour
• Snark du Jour
• Groaner du Jour
• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
This Week’s Walmartian!
The Walmart Car Show
• Lipstick on the Mirror
(Hat tip: Uncle Jerry)
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary Double Genuflection, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom, and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors , Sister Mary Double Genuflection asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
*There are teachers…and then there are educators!*
• Ed and Linda
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
Ed and Linda met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you.
I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut.
I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Linda took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”
Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.