The Friday Funnies – Scots Edition

Friday Funnies jpg

Scots

Hat tip to “Ol’ Petrol Head” for inspiring this week’s theme

Scottish_troops

Kilt_cat

Kilt

Scot_British_Customs

Scot flag

• Love the Scots!

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is infamous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet…

“Well, foockin stop doin’ it then, ya evil bastard!”

Scot flag

Bagpipes

bagpipetoon

Bagpipe-cat

Herman-on-Bagpipes

bagpipe_pay_or_play

Leroy_bagpipes

Scot flag

• Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man’s human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Australian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

‘Click’…Reload…

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

“Haw, Jimmie….! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stook up yer arse!”

Scot flag

Greens

MacDonalds

scottish_lassie

Scot_Irish_drinking

Scottish Bar Stool

Scot flag

Scot_Global_Warming

Scot flag

–00OO00–

• Scotch With Two Drops of Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’

The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming up,’ says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

• Katzndawgz
(Hat tip: “Cousin Mary”)

Found cat

• How Was Your Monday?
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

How Was Your Monday

• Why Women Live Longer Than Men, 1910 Edition
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

Why Women Live Longer_1910

• Separated at Birth

Hitlery gorilla nosepick separated at birth

… which brings us to …
• Mexican Word of the Day

Word is Bishop

• Blonde Joke du Jour
(Hat tip: “Joe P”)

blonde jokes-sm

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down..The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car, carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

• Lawyer Joke du Jour

Shark-Attorney

Lawyer_300_year_sentence

• Snark du Jour

Snark_water_balloons

• Groaner du Jour, French Edition
(“B-Squared” made me do it …)

All Others Will Be Toad

–00OO00–

You’ve been waiting for it! Here it is!

This Week’s Walmartian

Walmart-always

Walmartian_Bread_man

The Walmart Car Show

Walmart_car_show

Shane The Walmart Deli Clerk

Shane_Walmart_Deli_clerk

–00OO00–

• Important Question:

Accident_question

…. on that note, for this Friday …

That's All

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