Friday Funnies – Cataracks Edition

Friday Funnies jpg

This week’s Friday Funnies is dedicated to frequent contributor “B-Squared,” who is having cataract surgery today. We wish him a speedy recovery! The image below also serves as our Dawgznkatz post for this Friday.

Cataraks

… more from “B-Squared:”
• Why Women Live Longer Than Men

Why women live longer

… which brings us to this contribution by “Ol’ Petrol Head:”
• How Was Your Monday?

How Was Your Monday?

The scene above brings us to a delightful tale “Joe P.” brings us about …
  Children Writing About The Ocean

The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared!

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 )

2 ) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Mike , age 7)

4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) – A dolphin breaths through an @$$hole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with two other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

10) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

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The item above gives us the perfect opportunity to share with you this item from “B-Squared:”

• Questionable Names:

Questionable Names_Long_Wiwi

We return now to “Children Writing About the Ocean:”

11) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat @$$. (Julie, age 7)

12) – The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

13) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

14) – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

… and THAT brings us to another contribution by “Joe P:”
• I Love My Job

diving-helmet

This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! The next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on the FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below…

~Hi Sharon,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It’s a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my @$$ was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my @$$.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t $hfor two days because my @$$ was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your @$$.

Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’

… In a related vein, “The Queen of Tofu” shares with us … 
• An Autobiography
(Note that we DIDN’T say it is HER autobiography!)

Autobiography

… while we are on the subject of literature:

Credible Hulk

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“B-Squared” brings us this:
• I’ll Listen, But It’s Gonna Cost Ya!

door-knocker

… “B-Squared” also brings us this somewhat related item:

Gullibility test

… which segues nicely to …

This Week’s Walmartian!

Walmart-always

Walmartian_Mr. Mustache

The Walmart Car Show

Walmart_Car_Show

Shane, the Walmart Deli Clerk

Shane_Walmart_Deli_Clerk

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• Blonde Joke du Jour

Blonde winking

Blonde-make-up_mirror

• Lawyer Joke du Jour

lawyer-shark

Murphy's Lawyer

• Groaner du Jour
I accept no responsibility for posting Groaners supplied by “B-Squared” …
Margarine for error

• Snark du Jour
Hat tip to “Ol’ Petrol Head” for this:
Snark-du-Jour

• Mexican Word du Jour

Mexican Word_Choose

• Separated At Birth: Sir Cheeto Face and Nurse Diesel

Separated_at_birth-Trump_Nurse_Diesel

And now, in closing (in case you missed this at Jerry Mander yesterday):

whipped-cream

With that, for this Friday …

That's All

 

 

3 Comments

Add yours →

  1. Jack Darnell 05/08/2016 — 06:56

    Thanks for the laughs. Liked the diver’s tale or tail. If I ever live in a house again Imma get one of those “Notes to Door Ringers”.

    Like

  2. Paul, love-love-love your humor, as always! My favorite is the letter from the Diver to his sister. Can you just imagine? Thanks for putting some smiles on my face and laugh in the air with your Friday Funnies!

    #Humor in general plus Friendly Fill-ins and CTST

    Like

  3. Loved the Diver story and as always Shane the Deli Guy is always the best.

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

    Like

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