Tips of the hat today to “Joe P” and the Friday Funnies’ resident neurologist, “Dr. Mc” for today’s theme. This one has been around, but it’s still good!
• Four Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
“Ol’ Petrol Head” in the U.K. supplies us with these Wedded Bliss gems:
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.
Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
A man in Hell asked Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.
Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!
Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……”
• The Confessional
(Another tip of the hat to “Joe P”)
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.’
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
“B-Squared” supplies us with these:
“B-Squared” also brings us this news of a Scottish Wedding:
• The Father In Law
… which segues to …
• Last Will and Testament
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
I was sitting with the computer the other day drafting my will and I called out to my wife,
“WHEN I DIE I’M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!”
SHE SHOUTED BACK “YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY B@$T@RD!!”
• Lawyer Joke du Jour
(Hat tip to “Cousin Mary”)
A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college:
“I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However,
I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.
And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a financial planner, each very financially successful.
When their father’s time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed, crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. She dipped into her purse, took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into her father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
She is now running for President of the United States….
… Speaking of Old Hitlery
• Old Hitlery was talking to former Attorney General Janet Reno …
(Hat tip: “Joe P.”)
Old Hitlery and Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks.
Old Hitlery says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to
put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with BJand there is no telling who he last did it with.”
Janet responded, “Just because I am considered uglier than two counts of 1st Degree Murder doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off occasional un- welcomed sexual advances.
Old Hitlery asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”
Janet answers, “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can. And believe me … that takes the wind right out of his sails!”
Old Hitlery was impressed and thanked Janet for her sage advice and hurried home.
Well, that night, BJ was already in bed with the lights out when Old Hitlery headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir and knew that he would be wanting some action.
She was all ready for him. She tensed up her @$$ cheeks and launched a huge air biscuit.
BJ rolls over and says, “Is that you, Janet?”
… Speaking of which:
This Week’s Walmartian
The Walmart Car Show
• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
• How Was Your Monday?
• Gotta Be Crazifornia
• Blame It On Edision
• A Member of the LGBT Community
• Pun du Jour
… with that, for this Friday, we’ll say: