By popular demand: All Rednecks Edition!
We begin with Famous Last Words of Many a Redneck
(and a tip of the hat to “B-Squared”)
• Playing Horseshoes, Redneck Style
• In a bar in West Virginia
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.All the Hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada .”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada ?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”
“No,” says the Canadian “I don’t drive a taxi, I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”
• This is both good and bad!:
… the cold beer above brings us to …
• Texas Cooking
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
… and that brings us to …
• More Redneck cuisine!:
… following the cookin’ is th’ cleanup:
(with more thanks to “B-Squared”)
Redneck Culinary News, Wedding Cake Edition
… which naturally links us to …
• The Ultimate Redneck Wedding
… back to more Redneck Culinary news:
• At A Restaurant In The South
(with thanks to “Joe P”)
Two rednecks walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the rednecks looks at her and says,
‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
•Redneck For Sale Signs – Grand Champion Spelling Bee Winner Edition
•Fine For Dumping Garbage!
(Tip o’ th’ Harley-Davidson cap to “B-Squared”)
The Police pulled up next to the redneck unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The officer asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don’t you see that sign right over your head.
Yep, he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’
• Redneck Flat Screen TV
• Redneck Chess Game
• Oklahoma Weather Alert
• Redneck Mobile Phone Safety
… which segues to…
• Why Rednecks Die Young
… the stupid man trick above brings us to …
• Redneck Blonde Jokes du Jour
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde redneck passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What does a redneck blonde say when you asked her what the last four words of the national anthem are?
A: Gentlemen, start your engines!
Q: What do you do when a blonde redneck throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can’t even keep two calves together!
Q: Why do blonde rednecks drive GMC trucks?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why can’t blonde rednecks dial 911?
A: They can’t find the ’11’ on the telephone
… and finally,
Two blonde rednecks were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road.
The sign read: “Disneyland Left.” So they went home.
• The Redneck and the Lawyer
This week’s Lawyer Joke is brought to us by the Law Offices of Kickham, Harter, Indagroyne.
A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a redneck farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old redneck farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything!
The old redneck farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the NC three-Kick Rule?”
The redneck farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old redneck farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees.
His next two kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it’s my turn.”
The old redneck farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”
This Week’s Walmartian!
… now we come to this …
A Walmartian with a warning label:
… and THAT brings us to this week’s …
• Church Bulletin Blooper
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight in the fellowship hall. Come and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• Walmart Car Show
… which segues to …
• Freaks of Fast Food, Redneck Edition
• Now, don’t be bragging about it …
• Pun Alert!
• Separated at Birth
… that makes it a wrap for this Friday, so …