You know you’re a redneck when …
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat
12. Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool
Whip” on the side.
24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
… speaking of which …
We’ve run this one previously, but “Gordon K.” reminds us of …
• Redneck Lenten Season Bar-B-Q
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him … saying, “You were born a Baptist, raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.”Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved … until Friday night arrived.
Again, the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, prepared to scold him ~ he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water … which he carefully sprinkled over the grilled meat and said, “You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”
… Speaking of Walmart …
This Week’s Walmartian
The Walmart Car Show
• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
• Pun du Jour
• Separated at Birth
• How Was Your Monday?
• The bride had an arresting beauty about her:
… on that note, we’ll close with …