Friday Funnies – Pastor, Priest and Rabbi Edition

Friday Funnies jpg

Hat tip today to “B-Squared” for the theme

Pastor-Priest_Rabbi-walk-into-a-bar

“Ol’ Petrol Head” brings us this tale about a …
• Catholic Hair Dryer

hair-dryer

In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.

This is a perfect example of this teaching:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’

“Of course, child. What can I do for you?”

“I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?”

“I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, I’m sure that no one will question you.”

When they got to customs, she let the Priest go first.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
“And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvellous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

 next up, “Gordon K.” tells us about
• Two Priests Vacationing In Hawaii

Priest-shirt

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said

‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’

She replied,’Father, it’s me, — Sister Kathleen. ‘

“Dr. Mc” sends us a story about
• Catholic Horses

priest-horse

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse – a long shot – won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn’t even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, ‘Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings!’.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “You are not Catholic are you my son?”

“No, I’m Jewish”

“That’s the problem”, said the Priest, “you couldn’t tell the difference between a blessing and last rites”.

“Joe P.” relates this story of
• Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye…

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

‘What may we do for you! My son?’

He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….’

‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

which brings us to
• But How Can We Be Sure?

Not_a_brothel

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Thanks to “Gordon K.” for our 
• Snark du Jour

Snark-quarter

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“B-Squared” sends us this valuable
• Nutritional Information

vegan-amen

… speaking of vegans 

Confuse_a-Vegan

random_kindness-vegans

Birth_of_a_vegan

… Here’s another rare photo!

Fauxchahontas-mouth-shut

which brings us to
• Nancy P. Lousy

Nancy P. Lousy-crack

Separated at Birth

Nancy P. Lousy-Scream

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This Week’s Walmartian

walmart-always-bad-service

walmart-chain-gang

The Walmart Car Show

walmart-car-show-suntan

… And now, in closing

New at the Food Court at Walmart

Free-range-chicken

2 Comments

Add yours →

  1. Love the free range chicken !

    cheers, parsnip

    Liked by 1 person

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