Friday Funnies – Septic Tank Edition!

Friday Funnies jpg

Cousin Mary (ahem) flushed out today’s theme!

Flush-stool bus

Flush-to-go

Flush-Stimulous

Flush-promises

Flush-meals

Flush beats full house

Flush-#1

Flush-competition

flush-Le Pew

Flush-ain't milk

… with all of that, you’ve GOT to watch this hilarious video by Jimmy Ferris, Spur Texas!

Warning: Don’t watch this while drinking a beverage – especially hot coffee – you’ll spray the computer screen and have your beverage spraying out of your nostrils!

Click to play:

• • •

Diarrhea Tsunami

Diarrhea-genetic

fart-meme

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• Wedded Bliss – Chocolate Chip Cookie Edition

(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

#1 Cause

The Awesome Power of a Wife’s Love

Chocolate Chip cookie

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral!”.

• Men Teaching Classes For Women at the Adult Learning Center

(Hat tip: “Gordon K.”)

Men Teaching Classes for Women at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By March 28, 2018

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? – Group Debate

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program

Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch – They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right! – Real Life Testimonials!

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim

Driving Simulations
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live – How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

From Guys in the Witness Protection Program

… and that brings us to …

• Why Women Live Longer Than Men

WWLLTM-Icicles
• Blonde Joke du Jour
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

Blonde-bald-joke

Blonde Bobbi

A blonde named Bobbi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

Crying, she begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Bobbi again prays…”God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night comes and Bobbi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays…”My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order!”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Bobbi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Bobbi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!”
The proper Friday Funnies protocol to follow the Blonde Joke du Jour with the …

• Lawyer Joke du Jour

(More thanks to “B-Squared”)

Shark-Attorney

Dr. and Patient

A doctor tells a rich man that he’s going to die if he doesn’t get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

‘Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!’

The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. ‘This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart’ll set you back $150,000!’

‘Okay,’ said the old man, ‘what about the third heart?’

‘Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish… this heart is going for $500,000!!!’

‘Five-hundred grand?!?!’ the old man exclaimed, ‘why so expensive?’

‘Well’, said the doctor, ‘this heart belonged to a lawyer … so it was never used!’

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More levity for your Friday Fun:

Acupuncture

Mootiny_on_the_Bounty

Little whorse

Florist Friar

• The Friday Funnies Food and Nutrition Corner

Healthy lifestyle

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We close this Friday with this:

After_weekend

6 Comments

Add yours →

  1. I don’t give a $hit what Bud says, that was funny. My wife even laughed at the Chocolate Chip Cookies. (Now I am worried!)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bud Sansbury 23/03/2018 — 12:37

    Jack is right. This $hit is funny. (Pun intended)
    Bud

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I liked the acupuncture one.

    cheers, parsnip

    Liked by 1 person

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