Friday Funnies: Hugh Jass – the Lexophile Edition

Friday Funnies jpg

Hat tip to “Dr. Mc” for today’s theme.

Hugh Jass

• You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery!
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
• He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
• When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end.

blog-divider

• Separated at BirthSeparated at Birth: James Comey_Weasel

(When you are dealing with Comey, it’s hard to know which is the weasel!)

• Snark du Jour

Snark du jour-life support

• Lawyer Joke du Jour

Lawyer-Badgering the Witness

• Blonde Joke du Jour

blonde-joke-hears

Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

911-1,000,000-r

• Mexican Word of the Day

MWOTD-wheelchair

• Wedded Bliss

#1 Cause

Wedded Bliss-My wife opened car door for me

… in a somewhat related vein:
(I wonder if she is blonde?)

Wife crashed car again today

• WWIB?

who-wore-it-better-Basketball net

• WWLLTM

WWLLTM-Tractor Shade

WWLLTM-girders

• Floriduh

Floriduh-embarrassment

Floriduh Man- canned shrimp

More Floriduh Man (and Woman) Friday >>HERE<<

Floriduh woman

More News You Can Use:

Alienation

Aloe how are you

Aloha temperature pizza

Banned on the run

• Dawgznkatz – Religious Dog Edition
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising “Christian Puppies.” Their interest piqued, they go inside.

“How do you know they’re Christian puppies?”

“Watch,” says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, “Fetch the Bible.” The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, “Find Psalm 23.” The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks, “Does he also know ‘regular’ commands?”

“Gee, we don’t know. We didn’t ask,” replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, “Sit.” The dog sits. He says, “Lie down.” The dog lies down. He says, “Roll over.” The dog rolls over.

He says, “Heel.” The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner’s forehead and bows his head.

“Oh look!” the wife exclaims. “He’s PENTECOSTAL!

We will close now with:

my-happy-friday-face

3 Comments

Add yours →

  1. There’s a few there I haven’t regurgitated yet down at the ‘Old Ruptured Ducke’, Louis! No idea who James Coney is but your weasel looks like a sloth – whichever one that is. 🙂

    Like

    • James Comey was Obama’s director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and was deeply involved in the “Deep State” attempt to (1) prevent the election of President Trump and, when that failed, (2) to bring Trump down by either creating the climate for a successful impeachment or forcing Trump to resign. Comey is a nasty piece of work …

      Like

  2. michael cenit 10/08/2019 — 04:50

    You would think Comey’s face would be as well known as the face on a Lincoln penny. I hope Comey doesn’t see BITABOUTBRITAIN’s post. With his ego he’d be crushed! You’d expect even the Brits would know him. I guess that whole ordeal we have gone through the past 3 years is no big deal across the pond.

    Liked by 1 person

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